Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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