Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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