Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
