I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Randomize