I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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