He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
