He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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