Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
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