Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Randomize
