One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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