you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
No more Irish car bombs ever.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I have fence marks all over my body
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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