There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize