Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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