so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Randomize
