did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
