So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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