dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
