Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
I did not marry a roomba.
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