Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize