I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
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