you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
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