can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Randomize
