she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
The Olympian is in my bed
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
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