I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Randomize
