I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
it's great music for shaving your balls
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
