i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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