i think my mom watched the whole time
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
