It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
