I showed him my bush... on skype.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
