hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
