I'd wear matching sweaters with you
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
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