This is not my ceiling
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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