I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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