so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
