do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
