You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
These tits shall not be calmed
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
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