You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
