I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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