I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
