wanna go halves on a baby?
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
