i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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