he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
