walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Randomize