I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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