I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
