I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
