You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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