You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
