What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Randomize
