tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
