I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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