im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
