I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Pants are for mortals
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
