every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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