i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
