My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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