i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
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