After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
