So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
