dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
