My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Randomize
