i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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