I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
