There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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