She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
