I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
