Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize