Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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