Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
