someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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