dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
