Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
i will never coherently bang her
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
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