I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Randomize
