All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
