dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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