guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Drunk is a universal language darling
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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