I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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